Friday, January 14, 2011

Sometimes Things Just Suck

Growing up a child of the 90's, "that sucks" was a part of my regular vocabulary. However my mother constantly would chide me about how crude and unlady like it sounded. Now, at the age of 25, I do agree with her. However the simple fact is, sometimes things just suck. Today was a day of utter suckiness...

We finally were able to get through the ice to the doctor. They got us in and for an u/s and there was nothing on the scan. My uterus was/is empty. I lost the baby and didn't even realize I had passed it sometime between Saturday night and today.

With all of our losses (five now) I have tried to hold on to the fact that my body is doing what it is made to do. I have been blessed that in every loss my body has taken care of it's self and I haven't had to have a d&c. This loss hurts no less than all the others, but holding Ella Grace and having her as a reminder that my body is not a total failure is definitely making this one sting a little less.

Sean and I have a lot of praying and talking to do.  The doctor said everything was cleaned out and we can talk to them when we are ready about trying again. She did take a look at all the test I have had in the past and everything looks normal. She suggested that when we are ready, Sean and I both get some genetic testing done. She said that maybe we each have minor 'tweaks" that together, are causing this. If we decide  to do that it would possibly involve moving forward with a genetic counselor. All of this is much more than I can think about today.

I know that it will take a while for me to mentally be ok again. But I feel like I'm mourning the loss of our four other babies all over again. When I sit and separate myself I can look at Ella Grace and be so happy with her and even think that I might be ok with never trying again.  Then I think of my five lost babies. The five little ones I will never hold and I start to sob again.

So yeah, losing babies sucks. Not knowing why sucks. Today, simply put, sucks.

I know we will move forward and we will be ok. With God and love all things are possible.

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